I can't hide it anymore.....
- Thread starter aileen_c
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TOTO
New Member
OK Aileen, take a deep breath!
This Marine wants you to take a DEEP BREATH and pull your big girl panties up. In fact, if you can send me a .jpg image of that, it will be greatly appreciated! "]
As Joe pointed out, you just expounded on, what a wonderful week both you and your kids had with Dad. In fact, I distinctly remember you saying to all of us that, you just came up for some air, in order to post.
I don't know of anyone, other than a Marine Corps wife or any other wife of a service member who is under so much daily pressure.
All of you should be awarded with the MEDAL OF HONOR for what you do!
Under the best of circumstances, and even when a married couple is together and trying to raise a family and run a home, today's pressure is way beyond the norm.
Besides, most men are IDIOTS when it comes to YOU WOMEN!
Just ask the Lovely Linda, and she'll tell ya like it is!
We MEN, are HUNTERS and you women are GATHERERS!
All goes back to the days of the caves. We men would go on the hunt, and if we spotted a prey, we would point to it and say, KILL! (one word, to the point, gets the job done)
On the flip side, you women were gatherers, and pick nuts, fruits, berries, and roots, not far from the cave. The reason all of you talk so much, is due to the fact that, by talking to each other when doing the gathering, that was your way of making sure that, a predator didn't take one of you away for their dinner. If Aileen didn't answer, the rest of the women would run back to the cave.
Which now, is also why, you woman always complain to all of us men, by stating things like: WE NEVER TALK ANYMORE! We know that, a TALK will probably last 30 to 60 minutes, if not longer, and it will include a littany of all the things we have done wrong according to YOUR STANDARDS, and so, we'd rather not open up that can of worms, and would rather just open up a can of beer, and remain quiet.
Here's an example from this Marine, having been married 39 years to the lovely Linda, this June 6th.
I will ask Linda a question which only requires a ONE WORD ANSWER like in YES, or NO. Such as, do you want me to stop at the Supermarket and pick up a gallon of milk? Sounds easy, RIGHT?
Only problem is in WOMAN SPEAK, which I have yet to master.
Instead of getting a YES, or NO answer, I wind up with a 30 or 40 word diatribe, which usually has nothing to do with MILK, or the need thereof.
It's the difference between WEE MEN and YOU WOMAN!
And LORD, for the life of me, I will never understand it, nor will you women ever understand it either.
Have a good cry, because that's what you woman always need to do, another thing WEE MEN will never understand, pull up your big girl panties, (pictures to follow), and just know that, your High School Sweetheart still loves you, and he always will!
He just can't understand WOMAN SPEAK, and probably never will!
Only problem he has, is in the fact that, HE IS A MAN, and well H-E-L-L, enough said then, EY?
Are there exceptions? Absolutely, and I've known a few men who can lie through their teeth, and tell a woman everything she needs to hear, truth or NOT!
I think they are best referred to as BEING ROMANTIC! (lying their a-s-s-es off)
The funny part is in the fact that, You can't live with us, and you can't live without us! It's a wonder how the Human Race even survives.
lol
This Marine wants you to take a DEEP BREATH and pull your big girl panties up. In fact, if you can send me a .jpg image of that, it will be greatly appreciated! "]
As Joe pointed out, you just expounded on, what a wonderful week both you and your kids had with Dad. In fact, I distinctly remember you saying to all of us that, you just came up for some air, in order to post.
I don't know of anyone, other than a Marine Corps wife or any other wife of a service member who is under so much daily pressure.
All of you should be awarded with the MEDAL OF HONOR for what you do!
Under the best of circumstances, and even when a married couple is together and trying to raise a family and run a home, today's pressure is way beyond the norm.
Besides, most men are IDIOTS when it comes to YOU WOMEN!
Just ask the Lovely Linda, and she'll tell ya like it is!
We MEN, are HUNTERS and you women are GATHERERS!
All goes back to the days of the caves. We men would go on the hunt, and if we spotted a prey, we would point to it and say, KILL! (one word, to the point, gets the job done)
On the flip side, you women were gatherers, and pick nuts, fruits, berries, and roots, not far from the cave. The reason all of you talk so much, is due to the fact that, by talking to each other when doing the gathering, that was your way of making sure that, a predator didn't take one of you away for their dinner. If Aileen didn't answer, the rest of the women would run back to the cave.
Which now, is also why, you woman always complain to all of us men, by stating things like: WE NEVER TALK ANYMORE! We know that, a TALK will probably last 30 to 60 minutes, if not longer, and it will include a littany of all the things we have done wrong according to YOUR STANDARDS, and so, we'd rather not open up that can of worms, and would rather just open up a can of beer, and remain quiet.
Here's an example from this Marine, having been married 39 years to the lovely Linda, this June 6th.
I will ask Linda a question which only requires a ONE WORD ANSWER like in YES, or NO. Such as, do you want me to stop at the Supermarket and pick up a gallon of milk? Sounds easy, RIGHT?
Only problem is in WOMAN SPEAK, which I have yet to master.
Instead of getting a YES, or NO answer, I wind up with a 30 or 40 word diatribe, which usually has nothing to do with MILK, or the need thereof.
It's the difference between WEE MEN and YOU WOMAN!
And LORD, for the life of me, I will never understand it, nor will you women ever understand it either.
Have a good cry, because that's what you woman always need to do, another thing WEE MEN will never understand, pull up your big girl panties, (pictures to follow), and just know that, your High School Sweetheart still loves you, and he always will!
He just can't understand WOMAN SPEAK, and probably never will!
Only problem he has, is in the fact that, HE IS A MAN, and well H-E-L-L, enough said then, EY?
Are there exceptions? Absolutely, and I've known a few men who can lie through their teeth, and tell a woman everything she needs to hear, truth or NOT!
I think they are best referred to as BEING ROMANTIC! (lying their a-s-s-es off)
The funny part is in the fact that, You can't live with us, and you can't live without us! It's a wonder how the Human Race even survives.
lol
Palms
Well-Known Member
Aileen I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. I can only echo what the others have said, all of us who are married understand how difficult it is. Its bloody hard and sometimes with little reward.
I really dont think your situation helps, even when i read your post i think of how strong you must be as i would probably fall apart with all that you do. But sometimes i know we want someone to be strong for us so we can take a break from it.
I think you need a bit of "me" time. Just to go out with friends, go to college etc etc. I think it would do you a world of good to be Aileen and not a mum or a wife. When i went to college for floristry thats the first time i had that for a while and it felt good. Is there anyone who is there who can mind your kids just one night a week or can you not get a recommended babysitter in? Even if its to go and work a few hours somewhere. It will do you good and give you some focus.
Oh and husbands can be rats at times, there are probably things that all of us could type about nasty stuff but he probably does love you to death...
Anyway, you know i am here if you need to chat. :squish:
I really dont think your situation helps, even when i read your post i think of how strong you must be as i would probably fall apart with all that you do. But sometimes i know we want someone to be strong for us so we can take a break from it.
I think you need a bit of "me" time. Just to go out with friends, go to college etc etc. I think it would do you a world of good to be Aileen and not a mum or a wife. When i went to college for floristry thats the first time i had that for a while and it felt good. Is there anyone who is there who can mind your kids just one night a week or can you not get a recommended babysitter in? Even if its to go and work a few hours somewhere. It will do you good and give you some focus.
Oh and husbands can be rats at times, there are probably things that all of us could type about nasty stuff but he probably does love you to death...
Anyway, you know i am here if you need to chat. :squish:
Having 'travelled' through all your tough times, giggled when you've been on top form and been amazed at your determination I am soooo sorry you feel this way and to be honest am appalled at any man saying those sort of things - even given all the stress you guys must be under they are unacceptable.
However, given the huge strains your relationship has had to deal with, if, in your heart of hearts, you think it's worth saving then you have to try and find a way - as peeps have said if only to be able to tell the kids you tried.
If however you genuinly think it's a lost cause then better to admit it now and move on. You are young, beautiful and fiesty and deserve the best you can get. It may be hard but living in a bad marriage is much harder.
Love
Carrie
However, given the huge strains your relationship has had to deal with, if, in your heart of hearts, you think it's worth saving then you have to try and find a way - as peeps have said if only to be able to tell the kids you tried.
If however you genuinly think it's a lost cause then better to admit it now and move on. You are young, beautiful and fiesty and deserve the best you can get. It may be hard but living in a bad marriage is much harder.
Love
Carrie
I'm so sorry to hear this and send you hugs.
I'm sorry but some of your words are sending up red flags to me.
Words hurt and can stay with you for a lifetime. The things he said to you are wrong and emotionally abusive you don't deserve that, no one does. I'm not a therapist nor a counselor but please.. please don't "hide it" any longer. Seek professional advise. Talk to your husband, tell him exactly how you feel and if you are unable to do that (for whatever reason) then there really IS a problem isn't there.
Know that there are people who can help.
Jennifer
4thgenflorist
New Member
Ooh. Tough times girl. Get a plan together. Create some goals. Long term and short term. Keep a cool head and breath. Everything will be ok just different.
Unless I've walked steps in your shoes, I'll not offer an opinion on how you should handle your situation. I will however, listen as you need.
And my dear you are indeed tough and beautiful and strong and from where I sit, a great mom. He is a bully with words. Is he a bully in anything else? That is my concern because I have been there.
V
And my dear you are indeed tough and beautiful and strong and from where I sit, a great mom. He is a bully with words. Is he a bully in anything else? That is my concern because I have been there.
V
Aileen,
I think I've found the problem: you married a human male.
I don't mean to be flippant about this, just to say that even the toughest marine gets frail, tired, cranky and irritable - and sometimes overly defensive and feel the need to compensate.
I will never, ever, defend verbal or physical cruelty toward women! It's inexcusable. Just remember that you are both frail and fallible humans, both dealing with tough times and trials in your own way, and both will be prone to make mistakes and lash out.
As others have said, please don't bail. Communicate - be vulnerable, even at the risk of him being a turd about it. You will rarely break a man (especially military) with ultimatums, but rare indeed is the man who can resist the unconditional love of his wife.
We know you've got will power and chutzpah coming out both ends, so I'm sure you can stick with this if you really think it's worth fighting for.
Ryan
BOSS
FlowerChat Administrator
Aileen,
Being one that has "been there, and done that" twice, I know the pain, the not understanding, the despair, loneliness and everything else associated with this kind of thing.
All I can offer you is this. First you must be true to God and yourself, without that you can not be true to anyone else. Next come your kids, they should be the priority to both you and your husband, as they will not understand, they will feel at fault, they will be lost in life. Focus on them.
You must look out for you and them, and only then can you figure out the plan between you and him. Without knowing (and I do not want to) the nitty gritty dirty little secrets, I can not give you direction, other than this...
As was mentioned, get into a church (if you are not already) talk to the pastors, hopefully there will be a "care Pastor" who's responsibility is to listen...talk to God, share your every hurt, give them up to Him, and let Him care for you...trust me, He will.
Know there is love in this place even if we shoot at each other from time to time, and that there is not one person here you can not pick up the phone and call if you want to.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to kow the difference.
Being one that has "been there, and done that" twice, I know the pain, the not understanding, the despair, loneliness and everything else associated with this kind of thing.
All I can offer you is this. First you must be true to God and yourself, without that you can not be true to anyone else. Next come your kids, they should be the priority to both you and your husband, as they will not understand, they will feel at fault, they will be lost in life. Focus on them.
You must look out for you and them, and only then can you figure out the plan between you and him. Without knowing (and I do not want to) the nitty gritty dirty little secrets, I can not give you direction, other than this...
As was mentioned, get into a church (if you are not already) talk to the pastors, hopefully there will be a "care Pastor" who's responsibility is to listen...talk to God, share your every hurt, give them up to Him, and let Him care for you...trust me, He will.
Know there is love in this place even if we shoot at each other from time to time, and that there is not one person here you can not pick up the phone and call if you want to.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to kow the difference.
Mikey the Flower Guy
It's a GREAT DAY to live, and love!
- Nov 10, 2002
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Aileen, your response proves to me, that you ARE indeed one of the kindest and toughest people I know.....
So far I'm seeing sympathetic responses from the girls, and resolved responses from the boys, and there IS a reason for this...it's NOT you, it's NOT him, but, the "system" has removed the very reasons for internal family resolution, and made it VERY EASY to let it fall apart.
Aileen....many people understand the shoes you walk in, you are NOT alone, BUT...HEAR ME GIRL...despair, and loneliness is a breeding ground for bad decision making, and living your life, by what "others" say, is childish.
Toto's rendition of Marine life is not rocket science,but, it DOES prove, that you are NOT alone, and you NEED people to talk to!!
Time's are tough, yes, being alone is tough Yes, moving yourself to a home that's been trashed is tough,YEs, you're behind on home payments, YES, and I SEE YOU, as the star candidate to take on these chores, chew them, and spit them out.
Aileen, YOU KNOW, that I KNOW, what makes YOU who YOU ARE, and "struggle" is our middle names..
Luv ya girl...
Mikey
So far I'm seeing sympathetic responses from the girls, and resolved responses from the boys, and there IS a reason for this...it's NOT you, it's NOT him, but, the "system" has removed the very reasons for internal family resolution, and made it VERY EASY to let it fall apart.
Aileen....many people understand the shoes you walk in, you are NOT alone, BUT...HEAR ME GIRL...despair, and loneliness is a breeding ground for bad decision making, and living your life, by what "others" say, is childish.
Toto's rendition of Marine life is not rocket science,but, it DOES prove, that you are NOT alone, and you NEED people to talk to!!
Time's are tough, yes, being alone is tough Yes, moving yourself to a home that's been trashed is tough,YEs, you're behind on home payments, YES, and I SEE YOU, as the star candidate to take on these chores, chew them, and spit them out.
Aileen, YOU KNOW, that I KNOW, what makes YOU who YOU ARE, and "struggle" is our middle names..
Luv ya girl...
Mikey
marigold
Well-Known Member
Well, that was quite the chatty post to say how women talk so much!
BamaE4U
New Member
I can only pray. . . . .
that the two of you put HIM first. . . . .
It works. . . .www.IAmSecond.com . . . .Guaranteed
that the two of you put HIM first. . . . .
It works. . . .www.IAmSecond.com . . . .Guaranteed
I agree with all of the posts, But doing what I do on the side, I want you to just this, I want you to call the local VA center in your area, they can help you now, it is not just the guys in service, they will help you with that of concil, also The extent of you husband, not knowing the circumstance, but that of Post tramitic stress is a hard thing for us so called normal people to understand, and the training these guys go through, they want us to be as tough as them, it is hard to understand the situation of what they are going through, there are so many organizations to help militart wives, as well as that of girlfriends as well, it is not an easy thing to admit as you did in your post, but I applaud you for doing so that is the first step of things, you can and will make through this, It will be on your terms when you do, I am her for you kid, so don't your worry,
I am puting some links of folks that can help you and your family through this...
http://www.northchicago.va.gov/
http://www2.va.gov/directory/guide/facility.asp?id=183
This is a start, not knowing the real area you are in, but the above is a great start for you, and your children, also if you need direct names of folks at these places, just let me know, Its all good, it is not an easy path to understand, but this will help put in more of a different light, I can tell you I have seen and heard worse, I am there chicklet, just let me know,,,,
I am puting some links of folks that can help you and your family through this...
http://www.northchicago.va.gov/
http://www2.va.gov/directory/guide/facility.asp?id=183
This is a start, not knowing the real area you are in, but the above is a great start for you, and your children, also if you need direct names of folks at these places, just let me know, Its all good, it is not an easy path to understand, but this will help put in more of a different light, I can tell you I have seen and heard worse, I am there chicklet, just let me know,,,,
I would like everyone to understand I haven't been hiding it from my close circle. My closest friends have known what has gone on through the years. Albeit, not every single thing or every single detail but things I've needed to let out. When I said I couldn't hide it anymore I meant in the realm of FC. I have come to befriend some really great people here on FC. So that is what I meant about not hiding anymore.
The examples I threw out there for Mikey are the ones I don't think I would ever forget. I didn't want to openly bash my husband here on the boards but Mr. Mikey you hit a nerve with me and I had diarrhea of the mouth.
I want everyone here to understand that I have been coming to terms with the realities of our situation for almost 3 years now. We did go to counseling a few months after my 30th birthday. The counselor wanted a session with just me after we had gone together for a few. I was asked if I knew what verbal abuse was. I was asked if I thought I was being verbally abused. Me being me, I didn't really consider what he was saying because I thought well we're just going through a rough time. Until I started, to do a bit of research. I realized yes I pretty much fit the bill. Having this new information I continued on with our marriage with more of an awareness, being more alert to it and standing up against it. This standing up made the situation progress and caused more outbursts. When the tenants bailed on the house, I took it as a sign and much needed relief coming my way in that aspect. I knew the hard work ahead.
I have been "working on it" for our entire marriage. At times, chalking it up to "oh we just got married too young" or "oh we're just having a rough time due to all the deployments" or "it's the stress of having a baby at a young age", "it's the stress of premature newborn twins"...and on and on I went. Seeking God and Jesus, listening for guidance. Thinking if I just do this, or that, be this way or that way he will see and not be that way with me. What's hard is that on one hand he's a great father, no doubt about it. He's always playing with the kids, giving them lots of attention, hugs and kisses...taking them on trips to the store, park, etc. There for appointments, kid's activities. Helps around the house on the inside..... yardwork,car work, etc are not his thing.... LOL. These are the things that have kept me looking to stick it out. I don't expect nor want perfection. I am not perfect.
It's hard to say though that I've reached a point where I just don't want to keep on. I don't want to turn 50 one day and look back at the past 20 years and say Yup, it remained the same and I stood around for it. A part of me would rather face being on my own until the day I die rather than to continue living this way. Having been with him since I was 14 years old makes it a very scary thing to face the world without him. But I know I can do it.
I don't want anyone here to worry too much for me. You have nothing to fear with regards to my safety. I am not going to allow myself to fall into a depression it serves no purpose to me or our kids. It will not get me anywhere. I know things will be ok. I have wonderful friends with whom I can turn to. Even though they are around the country, I know I just have to pick up a phone. I understand some days are going to be harder and others bright & shiny. I don't think this will be easy. Since I do love him, always have...probably always will. I have to learn to let him go so that I can remain true to my ownself and for our kids.
Words can't describe the amount of appreciation I feel towards everyone for their kind words and messages. Maybe a little casino cash will come your way, huh?
So thank you.....
The examples I threw out there for Mikey are the ones I don't think I would ever forget. I didn't want to openly bash my husband here on the boards but Mr. Mikey you hit a nerve with me and I had diarrhea of the mouth.
I want everyone here to understand that I have been coming to terms with the realities of our situation for almost 3 years now. We did go to counseling a few months after my 30th birthday. The counselor wanted a session with just me after we had gone together for a few. I was asked if I knew what verbal abuse was. I was asked if I thought I was being verbally abused. Me being me, I didn't really consider what he was saying because I thought well we're just going through a rough time. Until I started, to do a bit of research. I realized yes I pretty much fit the bill. Having this new information I continued on with our marriage with more of an awareness, being more alert to it and standing up against it. This standing up made the situation progress and caused more outbursts. When the tenants bailed on the house, I took it as a sign and much needed relief coming my way in that aspect. I knew the hard work ahead.
I have been "working on it" for our entire marriage. At times, chalking it up to "oh we just got married too young" or "oh we're just having a rough time due to all the deployments" or "it's the stress of having a baby at a young age", "it's the stress of premature newborn twins"...and on and on I went. Seeking God and Jesus, listening for guidance. Thinking if I just do this, or that, be this way or that way he will see and not be that way with me. What's hard is that on one hand he's a great father, no doubt about it. He's always playing with the kids, giving them lots of attention, hugs and kisses...taking them on trips to the store, park, etc. There for appointments, kid's activities. Helps around the house on the inside..... yardwork,car work, etc are not his thing.... LOL. These are the things that have kept me looking to stick it out. I don't expect nor want perfection. I am not perfect.
It's hard to say though that I've reached a point where I just don't want to keep on. I don't want to turn 50 one day and look back at the past 20 years and say Yup, it remained the same and I stood around for it. A part of me would rather face being on my own until the day I die rather than to continue living this way. Having been with him since I was 14 years old makes it a very scary thing to face the world without him. But I know I can do it.
I don't want anyone here to worry too much for me. You have nothing to fear with regards to my safety. I am not going to allow myself to fall into a depression it serves no purpose to me or our kids. It will not get me anywhere. I know things will be ok. I have wonderful friends with whom I can turn to. Even though they are around the country, I know I just have to pick up a phone. I understand some days are going to be harder and others bright & shiny. I don't think this will be easy. Since I do love him, always have...probably always will. I have to learn to let him go so that I can remain true to my ownself and for our kids.
Words can't describe the amount of appreciation I feel towards everyone for their kind words and messages. Maybe a little casino cash will come your way, huh?
So thank you.....
This last post of yours makes the most sense Aileen. I get it now and I know you will do what is best for you and your kids, and even the husband, whatever that turns out to be.
I think adding yourself to the equation will help; seems as if you've been thinking of everyone BUT yourself. Yes selfishness is a bad trait when you are trying to live on a spiritual path, but just a tiny touch of it can also be called self-preservation. I wish you the best of luck.
I think adding yourself to the equation will help; seems as if you've been thinking of everyone BUT yourself. Yes selfishness is a bad trait when you are trying to live on a spiritual path, but just a tiny touch of it can also be called self-preservation. I wish you the best of luck.
Audra
New Member
It's easy for us on the outside to armchair quarterback but only you can judge how much more you can take. Whatever choice you make, remember that you have friends here who will support you in whatever you decide.
avenuegardensflorist
Well-Known Member
...ain't that the stinking truth!:wide:
Anyone ever thought about writing a book (fiction of course) based on the trials and tribulations
of the flower chat members? I good novelist would have ALL the material necessary to
make us all some big money! And it could become an ongoing series like John Grisham has
evolved w/ his lawyer series!
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